paulina noir's boudoir




Paulina, my boyfriend won’t go down on me and when he does, after a bit of complaining on my part, he always makes me take a shower first. What should I do?

Oh sister, I mean really? Where’d you find this one? Like don’t he know that c is the best meal on the plate? Guys like this honey, they ain’t never down. They’re the kind that believe a sister’s nether regions are a nasty terrain. I mean what day and age is it when a girl has to have to plead to get a bit of cunninglingus? And he expects you to wash like you are dirty? Oh my, my… who the hell wants to eat their chicken without the seven secret herbs and spices… it just ain’t tasty if you wash it all away.

Now I tell you what you’ve got to do honey… you’ve got to get that piece of yours out there, waft it around and find yourself a real man: one that likes to growl. You should ditch this fool you’ve been wasting your precious minutes on and find yourself someone who likes to dig their teeth in and I mean like deep.

There ain’t enough time in to be wasting it upon someone who don’t know how to sink an oyster.

My man has been complaining of late, he says that every time we have sex I’m loaded which is sort of true because I am. He reckons that straight sex is better.

Um… now what is this straight sex? Oh yeah… yeah, like I remember that back in the day; out back of the sheds in the school yard but hell that was a long time ago…

Now sugar if god had wanted us to screw straight then why would she have let us invent drugs, know what I mean? On top of that a lot of drugs aren’t even synthetic; like some of the best enhancers can just be broken off the branch or else you cut the pod and wait for the tar to bleed; she’s supplied them for this purpose. So your boy-boyfriend might just be a wittle bit of a prude.

When I wants to get going I know there’s nothing like a couple of fluffy lines to get my thighs spread just that little bit extra. I mean nothing beats your eyeballs rolling back in their sockets when you’re getting down low now does it. So I’ve got to tell you this, you just stick to your inebriation.

So what should you do with him? Well, next time you find yourselves in a club you neck a couple of pills and snort back on some coke. You get real high, kind of let your mascara and lipstick smudge a little and when you’re really trashy and all over the shop take yourself out on the dance floor and flaunt it. Now when all those other men smell you out there it’s simple… either your man comes over to reclaim his jaded beauty or else you take home the finest chimp that steps up to the mark.

I just can’t seem to climax. On the odd occasion it gets all a-plush and I do but these days are few and far between. On top of that my man always complains about it like I’m doing it on purpose.

Now sweetie, seriously why don’t you just try and relax. I mean really, just let go. I’m not suggesting you’re pent up or anything but in this day and age any sister can have an orgasm if they want to.

It’s not like you’ve had it forcibly removed with a rusty tin lid is it? So all I’m suggesting is that you thrust your little red button out just that little bit further and let it get the rub on.

A question you may have to ask yourself is: what are you holding onto? And seriously what is it? I mean can’t you give yourself over to anything? Are there too many voices going off in your head at once or something? Or is it just the fact that you want to stop this man having the satisfaction of satisfying you? Know what I mean; like cutting your clit off despite your libido.

So yeah, your man doesn’t like it and I’m sort of sorry honey but I can see why. You’re probably not the first little piece of strumpet to come his way and those other girls probably weren’t as cut off from pleasure as you are and they probably wailed in excitement much easier than you do. You’ve got to understand that if you don’t lighten up then you’ll always just miss out on the thrill babe and on top of that alienate all those men who can see that you just won’t let go because you don’t want to give them the satisfaction that they can turn you out of control.

if you’ve got an itch that paulina can scratch then drop her a line at paulina@powderzine.com